Create Yourself

I recently bought a new journal. I buy empty books all the time. I have paid various amounts for empty books. Will I ever fill them all? Time will tell. The one I bought last weekend has a quote on the front from an unknown writer. The quote is "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
If that is true, who do you want to create? Every day, most of my life, I have been trying to find the answer to that question. With every writing, every dream I dream in my sleep, every new person I meet; I try to find out. I am always searching. Life never seems complete. My brain never stops thinking, my emotions continuously changing. I just wish I had the creativity to put it all down on paper. I wonder what people would say, how they would feel, how they would see me if I actually did that very thing. Will I ever be or feel complete and satisfied with the person that I have created? Again, time will tell.

Dream 1 3/18/2012

What does it mean to have a dream about someone from high school that you were not close to whom hangs themselves in your husband's clinic? I had a dream about a guy name Brett. We went to my first high school together. We were not close friends. We shared a class or two together. I admired him from a distance for his speed in running. I did find him attractive but never let him know either one. I had not seen him since moving from my hometown and met up with him again along with his wife at my 15yr class reunion. The last contact we had was a couple months ago when I congratulated him for adding a profile picture on Facebook. Why am I dreaming about him? Why am I dreaming that he hangs himself in my husband's clinic. As soon as I realized it was him I freaked out and continued to say "NO" over and over again and cried hysterically. I ran to him, held him unable to believe what he had done. He was being wheeled out on a gurney and I was crying on his shoulder holding him asking why he had done it. I looked up at him and he began to speak. I realized he was alive and had not died. I was now speaking of someone else that had died but cannot recall who it was. What does it all mean?

As soon as I awake, showered, dressed and ready to go to breakfast I jumped on Facebook to check Brett's Facebook page. From what I read he is fine and see that his birthday is coming up on the 24th. Should I message him and ask how he is doing? Should I share my dream with him? Hmmm

Block

I feel like once again I have a mental block. I go through these times of having lots of write and those other times with nothing to say. I spend my days thinking a lot. I have the perfect words but if I do not write them down they go away just as quickly as they came to mind. How many of you experience that same thing?

Without Title 1

I got off track in writing. I have always written when things began to no longer make sense. I have started looking, once again, at my life's direction. I realized I had gotten off track. I got a little lost. I lost focus. I got caught up in emotion and not in a good way. One day I said to a good friend and to hubby "I think I am drinking too much" My cousin said it is good that I am recognizing this before it got out of control. I was waking up feeling like crap, stomach hurting, head hurting, and not thinking clearly. I was waking up hung over on too many days. I was drinking more than wine. I was making cocktails nightly and more than just one. I like the taste and the feeling I would get from it. Drinking used to amp me up, I would get that frisky feeling, but that was not there. I started thinking I was drinking for another reason. I found I was drinking just to drink. I found I was no longer getting excited over the things that used to bring me happiness and make me smile. The smile had disappeared. I needed to figure it out. I had in the past, why was now so difficult? I have sat and stared into space a lot lately trying to think and this is the first I am writing about it. I have talked about it a lot but the answers are not yet here. I did not drink for most of the week. I had wine with dinner on Valentine's. I made a cocktail last night but did not get that buzzed feeling so I limited it. It does take a lot to feel that buzz but there are other signs when it is time to stop. I can write a ton on this subject but I do have a job and need to work. To be continued...

Awake

Why am I awake at 3:00am? Snuggles woke me at 1:30. Hubby was annoyingly snoring. I took Snuggles outside, she went potty and then back to bed. As she fell right to sleep again, I tried to get comfortable. Hubby continued to snore so there was no chance of sleeping. I lay there, eyes wide open, unable to get comfortable. My mind began to wander, too many thoughts crashing together to make much sense. I began to feel agitated. I started thinking about my chairs in Rotary, trying to decide to keep them or not. The more thoughts continued to crash together the more this writing entered my mind. I got up, turned on the computer, checked Facebook, said some Happy Birthdays, and posted this question, "Why am I awake?". It was time to write this down. The blog opened, a new post started and I am writing this down. As I am typing I am getting tired. Could I actually fall asleep? Will I be able to get comfortable enough to dream? I will end this and see.

Dream 01-15-12

I tossed and turned trying to get comfortable, burying my head, thinking of someone I had not heard from and missed. I woke in a strange room, not my own. Light was filling the room unlike the one I was just in. One wall baby blue, another faded orange. All the walls were completely empty like a work in progress. I was in a bed with no head or foot board but covered in the same blankets. I closed my eyes again with the same thought.

With my eyes closed I could see and hear crackling and images trying to come in and out like a bad or unavailable station on a television. Images were beginning to appear, black and white at first then turning to color. There were grey faces with gleaming blue eyes. I could hear wolves howling and then they appeared at first one then many. I woke to the largest of them all standing next to the bed but was not scared. The wolf was becoming a man and he was beautiful. Something must have happened, do not know what because when I woke I was lying next to him with my head on his chest, my arm over his stomach, my knee on top of his, his arm holding me close. I did not know who he was but it was comfortable, familiar somehow. I wondered if he was real or if I was dreaming. I thought to myself, “If I am dreaming I must look funny in the position I am in, holding someone that is not here”. My thought was confirmed when people came walking in the room, looked in my direction and said nothing to me. I appeared to be sleeping. I thought, “Do they not see him?” I smiled, closed my eyes, and pulled him closer.

I woke in the same blue and orange room this time alone. I lay on my back staring at the ceiling with that now old thought of the one I have been missing. I closed my eyes to sleep and dream. I began to feel myself being lifted and I could see I was heading towards the window and knew I was beginning my dream travel. The more I thought of him the further I was being lifted, the closer to the window I got, suddenly I stopped. I realized I got distracted. I closed my eyes then began moving out the window. I was being pulled in a direction that felt like miles. I left in daylight, before I knew it the night had come, it was dark. I could see neighborhood lights beneath me. Where was I going? Could I have been going to the one I had been thinking of? The more I thought about him the faster I went, almost too fast. I had been attached to a brown belt and had to tighten it, thinking I was going to slip away.

I do not how long I went for or how far I went. I did not see him but woke in the dark realizing I had been dreaming and had gone in one very large circle. I sat up and said to myself, “How strange was that? I need to write all that down.” I got out of bed, walked to the bathroom, stared in the mirror and turned on the water. I splashed some water on my face and could not stop thinking about my dream. Was I going to remember all the details when I wrote them down? Why was I having the thoughts I was? Why did I have that dream? I was searching for meaning as I began brushing my teeth.

I heard a voice saying “bye babe”, and felt my body jump. I woke suddenly to the words “sorry” in my ear trying to see in the dark room. I received a kiss and said, “You tore me from a dream”, then turned over. I realized I had been dreaming. I had not woken up like I thought. I had been dreaming the whole time. My body jumping was me returning from my journey. I lay there pondering it all, trying to recollect every detail. I closed my eyes again and began a new dream.

When I woke again looking at the clock, I realized it had been a couple hours. I tried to recollect the details of the last dream without success. I was only seeing the prior, it was much stronger. I got out of bed, took a shower, did my hair, sat down at the computer, and began to write what you have just read.

Forgiving Friend

I love those moments when someone completely unexpected comes back into your life. A long, long time ago I thought I had lost a friend. Over the years in my moments of trying to keep in touch, I thought I had crossed a line and would never hear from them again. The years have passed, time has healed all. I logged onto Facebook and there it was, a Friend Request! I was so excited and grateful. I am so happy to see them with a family and happy. My day has been made!