Passing Time

Time passes on and on and before you know it so much has passed without your knowledge and out of your grasp.  There are people in this world that are rocks of all colors and shapes.  You discover with a simple touch that there is a spirit of such immense light and energy you cannot help but want to collect and hold onto them as long as possible. You gather them up and put them away for safe keeping.  Time passes and there they sit.  Time passes and life's distractions pull you further and further away from them.  You are hit hard when you realize you have been missing those rocks in your life. You become quite sad and heart wrenched when, with one conversation, the reality of the time that has passed between you is time you cannot get back.  In an instant you want to rewind time, go in reverse to the last time you saw one another and spent time together.  You learn they are in town and seeing each other again cannot come soon enough.  You try desperately to rearrange responsibility, set a date and time, but it seems so unworkable and out of your reach.  You are reassured that there is hope, a chance to make things right with time.  You take the first step by beginning to do something you should have been doing all along and that is to write to them, share your life's adventures and daily duties with them.  You know that every day is a gift and that you must share it.  You must make everything right again, look forward to that next meeting, take the chance to see their smile, embrace them in a hug, say how you have missed them and that it is so good to see them.  You share your time before it passes and they have to return to their daily life.  With your rocks of strength shining with immense light and energy, you will share time's passing and ever changing days whether on paper or in  person when time permits all within your knowledge and grasp.

Grudges 2

What is a grudge?  What does it mean to you? Are they real?  Do / Should they exist?  Are they just mean?
Again someone told me I hold grudges for a really long time. I am pondering with a major headache whether or not I do.  I always looked at those deep scars in my mind  and heart as an out of sight, out of conversation, out of mind.  I had been told I cut people out of my life too soon.  I never thought of it that way.  I just stopped putting out the energy for them.  As my husband and I talked about it he said it depends on how others look at it.  Me having ill feelings about someone, just not trying to maintain a relationship, and shutting down when spoken about could appear as a grudge to another.  Is it a grudge or just not forgiving?  I don't go out of my way to show, express or let anyone know that I have ill feelings when they are around.  I cannot pretend that I am over what happened.  There is no pretending we are "cool".  I accept they exist but when heartache struck multiple times I said I am done and meant it.  I am told people change as well as circumstances but who they were is still there and I don't know if I can trust that side won't show itself.  Is that wrong?

Grudges

Recently I was told that I hold grudges for a very long time.  I was asked if there will ever be a time when I might let go, let someone in my life again, give them another chance because people change, circumstances change?  If someone does you wrong on more than one occassion or completely throws you under a bus to protect themself, which leaves a pretty deep scar, at what point do you let it go, let them back into your life providing you even want to at all?

Create Yourself

I recently bought a new journal. I buy empty books all the time. I have paid various amounts for empty books. Will I ever fill them all? Time will tell. The one I bought last weekend has a quote on the front from an unknown writer. The quote is "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
If that is true, who do you want to create? Every day, most of my life, I have been trying to find the answer to that question. With every writing, every dream I dream in my sleep, every new person I meet; I try to find out. I am always searching. Life never seems complete. My brain never stops thinking, my emotions continuously changing. I just wish I had the creativity to put it all down on paper. I wonder what people would say, how they would feel, how they would see me if I actually did that very thing. Will I ever be or feel complete and satisfied with the person that I have created? Again, time will tell.

Dream 1 3/18/2012

What does it mean to have a dream about someone from high school that you were not close to whom hangs themselves in your husband's clinic? I had a dream about a guy name Brett. We went to my first high school together. We were not close friends. We shared a class or two together. I admired him from a distance for his speed in running. I did find him attractive but never let him know either one. I had not seen him since moving from my hometown and met up with him again along with his wife at my 15yr class reunion. The last contact we had was a couple months ago when I congratulated him for adding a profile picture on Facebook. Why am I dreaming about him? Why am I dreaming that he hangs himself in my husband's clinic. As soon as I realized it was him I freaked out and continued to say "NO" over and over again and cried hysterically. I ran to him, held him unable to believe what he had done. He was being wheeled out on a gurney and I was crying on his shoulder holding him asking why he had done it. I looked up at him and he began to speak. I realized he was alive and had not died. I was now speaking of someone else that had died but cannot recall who it was. What does it all mean?

As soon as I awake, showered, dressed and ready to go to breakfast I jumped on Facebook to check Brett's Facebook page. From what I read he is fine and see that his birthday is coming up on the 24th. Should I message him and ask how he is doing? Should I share my dream with him? Hmmm

Block

I feel like once again I have a mental block. I go through these times of having lots of write and those other times with nothing to say. I spend my days thinking a lot. I have the perfect words but if I do not write them down they go away just as quickly as they came to mind. How many of you experience that same thing?

Without Title 1

I got off track in writing. I have always written when things began to no longer make sense. I have started looking, once again, at my life's direction. I realized I had gotten off track. I got a little lost. I lost focus. I got caught up in emotion and not in a good way. One day I said to a good friend and to hubby "I think I am drinking too much" My cousin said it is good that I am recognizing this before it got out of control. I was waking up feeling like crap, stomach hurting, head hurting, and not thinking clearly. I was waking up hung over on too many days. I was drinking more than wine. I was making cocktails nightly and more than just one. I like the taste and the feeling I would get from it. Drinking used to amp me up, I would get that frisky feeling, but that was not there. I started thinking I was drinking for another reason. I found I was drinking just to drink. I found I was no longer getting excited over the things that used to bring me happiness and make me smile. The smile had disappeared. I needed to figure it out. I had in the past, why was now so difficult? I have sat and stared into space a lot lately trying to think and this is the first I am writing about it. I have talked about it a lot but the answers are not yet here. I did not drink for most of the week. I had wine with dinner on Valentine's. I made a cocktail last night but did not get that buzzed feeling so I limited it. It does take a lot to feel that buzz but there are other signs when it is time to stop. I can write a ton on this subject but I do have a job and need to work. To be continued...